What is the deal with the entire girl-on-girl crime? Why am I always hearing girls say “I only hang out with guys” or “I can’t stand hanging out with girls − they’re so catty”?
Is it something they say to get attention, or do they really mean it? This being a blog about relationships, I feel as though I should start with one of the most important types of relationships: friendships.
Men have something women can’t even dream of: male camaraderie. They play sports, play video games or watch football. A guy’s night out involves watching the Chicago Bears or playing halo. If we're lucky, maybe a few minutes to talk about girls.
But what about us girls? When do we bond? A girls night out is usually compiled of looking hot (preferably hotter than your friends), going out and talking about guys (preferably to get noticed by guys). While men are bonding over Cheeto's and football, women are competing over clothes and hair.
Even when boys are younger, they play games like war, chase and hide and seek - all games with clear winners and losers. Little girls play games like house and tea party, with no distinct winner or loser. Therefore, boys can determine who is a winner by clear rules. When the game is over, they move on.
High school was one of the most awkward, self-hating four years of my life, but one of the best memories I have is playing competitive sports. Not because of the competition or the sense of accomplishment, although throwing mud in your opponent’s face while screaming “eat dirt” was always nice, but the fondest memory I have is the female bonding that I experienced with my teammates. We competed together, dressed and undressed together, we’d we cried when we lost, we cried when we won; either way, we cried and laughed together.
We bitched about our coach and our parents, and we never questioned our self esteem. There were no men in the locker room to impress or compete for. The only enemies were those “fat sluts” from the competing school. We weren’t subconsciously fighting over who the prettiest or skinniest girl was. We just tried to find ourselves through a connection to another human; another woman.
I didn’t know it at the time, but we were bonding they way men bond. It's more than just a bond: it’s an unexplained feeling that the people around you know you. They know you because - in a weird way - they are you. These women have breasts, they have a uterus, and they have passion just like me. Something a man could never know. But outside the locker room, in the real world, a woman does nothing more than invent ways to compete.
Fashion and weight aren’t obsessions that man created for woman, they’re obsessions that woman created for woman so that we could compete with each other without acknowledging any competition at all. Somehow, if I’m skinnier or prettier or bagged a hotter and richer guy, that makes me better than my fellow sister. In the words of Mimi Spencer, “being thin in an overeating society is a sign of control,” and being able to maintain that control is a way for women to show their status. See why women are to blame for our obsession with being thin. It's common sense: look at the women on men’s magazines like Playboy and Maxim. The women are skinny, for sure, but not as skinny as the women in vogue. Men like cleavage, and women who are extremely underweight don’t have it.
It’s this logic that drives women to starvation, self hatred and into uttering the words “I hate hanging out with other women − they’re so catty and stupid,” which is just another way to say, "I hate women because I hate myself."
Men compete on the field and in video games. Hell, sometimes men even fist fight their best friend just because they have some “stuff” to work out. But when the fist fight is over, they get to go back to that male relationship that I’m so envious of. Women are fictionally punching each other in the face with every conversation we have, every outfit we wear and every diet we do. If I could go back to my days in the locker room even just once or twice more, I bet I could kick every negative self image I have of myself; that’s how powerful that feeling is. And men, damn them, get it every day. When are we going to learn that we’ll never love ourselves until we start loving our sisters? We can’t have healthy relationships with men until we start having healthy relationships with each other.
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6 comments:
I welled up a little..I totally agree.
I am uncertain as to whether or not you are attempting to re-enforce or eliminate gender stereotypes. Also, is this blog always going to be directed towards women? I don't have a uterus and I don't recall ever crying because I won or lost a mere game; well maybe when I was 8 yrs. old.
Your example that women don't like hanging out with other women is slightly skewed. It should be specified that this is true predominatly when in the company of a group of men.
I think that some women like to be the "chick" of the group of guys because men are less judgemental than women; allow me to explain.
Our society is dominated with advertising. Much of this advertising is based on fear. One of the largest "fears" that is exploited is a person's natural fear of rejection. It is a fear of being rejected by a sexual partner. It is fear of being rejected by someone you admire and seek to gain approval from.
Men seem to have a competitive edge except for one simple and often overlooked point... men are usually dumb and lazy. Its not that we are brave or that we don't allow things to upset us. To put it bluntly, we don't care. We want silence. We want simplicity. Its not our fault, we're wired this way. This is why when stopped at red lights men usually stare straight ahead while women usually check out their surroundings. You give men too much credit. Stop worrying about getting laid and crawling over other women and focus on yourself. Men (smart men) want women that will keep them in line, not someone who they'll have to babysit. We want strong women. Women that know what they want, and who use cosmopolitan magazine to level unbalenced tables and laugh at other women that read it for advice.
Go figure that we (men) luck out on physical strength and a lower susceptability to societal "hang-ups". Besides, if you don't love yourself for yourself why would any self-respecting man either?
-D.
I can't think of one time where I experienced girl bonding. I remember being in competition since I was in elementary school. My best friend would always pick the boy I liked to be her husband when we played house. I remember getting so angry and I thought it was because I didn't have blonde hair like she did. Obviously, society was saying things and my five-year-old self was picking them up, even though unaware.
Dan: next week there will be a blog just for men
I have several girl friends at FAU that don't particularly care for the company of other women.
The reason for that is varied but essentially I think they just care to be a little more laid-back, like guys are, then so uptight and self-conscious like girls can be.
One of the big problems is that people are never taught to identify corrosive relationships; your friend consistently sells you out or makes a move for the person you like and instead of detaching yourself from this person altogether you give them more and more leeway to exploit.
Since these corrosive people know that they can exploit friendships, there really is no impetus for them to change.
To the men that commented above .... well i've given those same excuses to my boyfrnd or male frnd ....
WHAT SHE'Z SAYIN IS TOTALLY RITE ...
wen i was younger n chubbier me n my gurls had the time of our lives , we made fun of our own flaws n laughd them off , i grew up to be extremely goodlookin n i can see how we've drifted apart , secretly scrutinizing each others flaws ...n i too unfortunately fall into the category of the woman that luvz hangin out wid men .... cuz they appreciate me ...at the same time wen derz a woman equally gud lookin n unthreatened by me , i do feel uneasy ... call me insecure BUT I CAN ASSURE U every woman feels this way .... maybe not the ugly ones cuz they dnt hav a choice but to appreciate whr they lack ... i also think its our fault cuz the competition between men is eventually for the men ... one day i decided to let my guard down n went out like plain jane n my boyfrnd wuz checkin out sme hot babe ... the next day i got bak to my sassy self ... Also bein calld hot n beautiful all the time has in no way made me more secure ...i think ur rite ... we need to come closer n stop pushin each other away .... cuz bein beautiful , im still lonely as hell !!
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