Thank you Mr. Phelps (M.P, The Baltimore Bullet, or future love slave, whichever nickname you prefer) for making the Olympics sexy.
You have encouraged millions of women, young and old, to use their imaginations when watching your muscular, smooth, tan body wiggle through water in almost a pornographic way — now I know how men feel when watching women’s volleyball. Oh, and thanks for making Speedos sexy again…that’s a load off my mind.
You’ve even turned Wikipedia into soft-core porn. Here’s how they describe you:
“Phelps has a body particularly suited to swimming. He has a long, thin torso with arms which span 6 feet 7 inches disproportionate with his height of 6 feet 4 inches. He has size 14 feet and double-jointed ankles. He can extend his ankle beyond the point of a ballet dancer which enables him to whip his feet for maximum thrust.”
Wow…was that good for you, too? You’re like the Anna Kournikova of swimming —except you’re really talented.
So talented that when you wear all of your gold metals, it looks like you’re wearing a halter top, making you the only guy who can make a halter top look sexy — you’re so amazing.
Thank god the Olympics are finally over. I felt dirty every time I watched them. It was like my TV knew what I was up to — maybe it’s because I always watched it on mute.
It’s cool that you haven’t responded to my numerous attempts to poke you on Facebook. I’m sure you were busy winning gold metals and stuff. Don’t worry, I can be very understanding — you’ll figure that out soon enough after we’re married. I already rented the church…and made all the plans. But I didn’t get you a tuxedo, so you’ll just have to get married in one of your speedos.
But now that you’ve won all your metals, I’ll be expecting you to start returning my phone calls and e-mails. I mean, what else could you be doing that’s more important?
See you soon,
Your Number One Fan
Enjoy the following videos, but be careful: Licking your computer screen might cause your tongue to get shocked…but it’s worth it.
