Valentine’s day - Oh crap!

Valentine's Day is here - which means there will be a whole lot of pointless gifts in circulation, a whole lot of couples staring at single people like they're homeless, and forced awkward sex for people all across the country.

Very few of us actually know the history of Valentine’s Day - if you do, then stop reading this right now and get back to watching the discovery channel you history-loving slut. Basically, three saints named Valentine all died in weird ways; you didn't miss much.

Let’s face it – being a single person on Valentine’s Day can be just plain cruel. All day long, all they see is happy couples exchanging big fluffy pink bears and unwanted packs of socks. All day long its happy couples with smiles on their faces.

While you're at Publix buying your Stouffer's dinner for one, you have to stand in the checkout line watching couples suck face while they're buying red wine and organic steak.



And let's not forget the stares that couples give to single people. It’s like they're marked with a huge sign on their forehead that says PITY ME. We look at them like they're homeless and they need some assistance.

Listen—no one wants to have the Hey at least you still have your health talk with their single friends on Valentine’s Day. We all know the drill. The coupled up folks are going home to have sex and the single people are going home to cry and watch re-runs of Dancing With the Stars.

I bring you the single person's survival guide with a few simple rules to keep to from going crazy on Valentine's Day.

THE SINGLE PERSON’S SURVIVAL GUIDE

1) If you don’t have it, fake it. There’s nothing wrong with telling your friends you have a date—you don’t have to tell them it’s with your new box set of family guy.

2) Valentine’s night is the night to hit the clubs. Think about it—there’s no way you could accidentally go home with a married guy.

3) Hang out with other single people. Don’t expect you're coupled up buddies to hang out on Valentine’s Day. Warning—make sure you hang with the right kind of single people. You don’t want to spend the night in the bathroom of a Denny's because your single friend is having a Why does no one love me meltdown. (eww)

4) If you’re really in a pinch, just remember, in a few years almost all of these happy couples will be broken up.

But if all else fails and you're still depressed, just remember that Valentine's Day sucks for everyone-including those people in relationships.

If you’re in a relationship—it’s still a miserable holiday because of the insane amount of pressure. There’s even pressure to buy that special someone the perfect gift. There’s the pressure to buy your single friends gifts so they don’t feel like total crap.

And most importantly, there’s the pressure to have sex. If you’re in a relationship it is practically an unwritten law that you must have sex on Valentine’s Day. There’s nothing that says romance like socially forced awkward sex…can’t wait!

Either way you’re screwed - and not in the good way.

Editor's Note: No chicken nuggets were harmed during the making of this blog.