In the early hours of a typical Wednesday morning, 20-year old Will woke up for his 8:00 a.m. Statistics class. He got dressed quietly in his sixth floor Heritage Park Towers dorm room on FAU's Boca Raton campus in hopes he wouldn’t wake up his roommate.
After finding out that his class was canceled, Will came back to his room to find his roommate right in the middle of having sex with a girl that wasn’t in the room when he left. Even worse, the roommate yelled "get out" and poor Will gladly left feeling confused and awkward. For the first time I've ever heard of, a college student wasn't happy that a Statistics class was canceled.
During the 15 minutes that Will was walking to his class and back again, his roommate was making a phone call to a girl he was seeing at the time and told her that the coast was clear for her to come into the room. How romantic.
With military precision, Will’s roommate executed the classic rump-and-hump meeting. If it weren’t for some lazy professor canceling class, the execution would have gone a whole lot smoother.
As if the tiny beds, nosy RAs and paper thin walls aren’t enough, many college students have to deal with the dreaded issue of trying to have sex without disturbing their roommates... even resorting to James-Bond-style planning. Seriously, getting laid just shouldn't be so hard (no pun intended).
With a little communication and some education on sex etiquette, it’s possible that Will and his roommate – and college students everywhere - can co-habit and get laid.
On that note, let’s all take the time to consider each other’s feelings and go over a page from my sexual etiquette rulebook.
THE RULES OF SEXUAL ETTIQUETTE WHILE LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
1. Have a unique signal. A traditional tie on the door won't cut it because if your other roommates find out what the signal is, they will go out of their way to mess with you while you’re sealing the deal. Being an immature jerk to your roommates is practically a rite of passage for college kids.
2. Get a fish tank. Wait... just hear me out. For one thing, fish are the only pets on-campus students are allowed to have in their rooms. The tanks have really loud pumps that can drown out noises. If your roommate ever wakes up and says "what's that vibrating noise?" Blaming the fish tank pump is always a good fallback and even a great "signal."
3. Work out your schedules and stick to them. Put your class and work schedule up on the wall. This way, your roommate can plainly see when you will be around. Hopefully, your roommate will respect that and do the same. More importantly stick to that schedule. If plans change or a class gets canceled last minute, stay out of the room until the appropriate time.
4. Call me old fashioned, but sometimes a simple phone call can save you a world of embarrassment. If your plans change or you randomly come up to the room, give your roomie a call or a text just to let him or her know you’re on your way up.
Keep these tips in mind the next time the mood strikes and your roommate is just sitting there cutting his or her toe nails. Please, let's all work together; feel free to add onto this list.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
If only politicians were more like celebs
Earlier this week I was shocked to find that one of my friends didn't know that the presidential debates were taking place at FAU. Okay maybe I wasn't totally shocked, I don't exactly hang out with geniuses.
I kept thinking to myself- how the crap do you miss that story? That's like missing Iraq or 9/11. Its one thing to walk through the breezeway and hallways with tunnel vision, completely ignoring every roommate wanted flier and upcoming event banner in a two-mile radius. But its another thing to just totally miss one of the biggest events to hit FAU.
I assumed that my friend was either an alien in disguise and just flew in from Uranus that morning, or had a severely below average IQ.
But I was shocked when she later chimed into the conversation, "Matthew McConaughey's girlfriend is pregnant- I read it this morning."
So my friend can read, and she's somewhat interested in current events, but didn't even know the presidential debates were coming to FAU. This seems like a common problem with college students, we care more about celebrities than politicians.
THE STATS
1)American Idol gets more people to vote than presidential elections.
2)Perez Hilton claims to get four million hits a day, and he only writes about celebrity gossip. The average college student can tell you the name of all the Spears children, including ones to come, but if you ask them where Barack Obama stands on global warming, you'll get a blank stare.
3)College students are more interested in downloading pictures of Britney Spears flashing her "VaJJ" than taking the time to read a presidential candidate's Web site.
THE PROBLEM
Political candidates and government officials never come down to our level. And by our level, I mean the human level. When Hillary Clinton sheds a tear and Obama dances on Ellen, their approval ratings go through the roof. Its because people feel like they can relate to them. They finally seem human.
THE SOLUTION
Political candidates need to find a way to appeal to us. Maybe they should recruit MTV or Absolut vodka advertising executives, since those people make millions of dollars every year off of our age group.
TOP FIVE QUICK FIXES FOR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES
5) Hillary Clinton should get a DUI and go to rehab, and then people will listen to her.
4)Barack Obama should date Lindsay Lohan and have an illegitimate child, and then we'd listen to him.
3)By all means every political candidate should have a sex tape leaked onto the Internet. If they did that you could guarantee college students worldwide would know who they were voting for.
2)Get into a million dollar custody battle with your ex husband/wife.
1)The ultimate quick fix for every candidate;get a reality TV show. They can call it behind the campaign, everyone would watch. Especially college kids who eat up painfully mindless reality shows.
Maybe it's a bit too risky for Hillary Clinton to be flashing her private parts and for Rudy Giuliani to be suing his baby's mama for custody. But let's face it-these candidates need to do something, there are robots in Disney world that are more lifelike than them.
We devour reality shows and train wreck celebrities because we feel a connection to the people or characters in them. They eat McDonald's, get drunk, and pee in the living room. We can laugh at them because we can relate to them. The Presidential candidates know that they must relate to us, they just don't have any clue how to go about it.
I kept thinking to myself- how the crap do you miss that story? That's like missing Iraq or 9/11. Its one thing to walk through the breezeway and hallways with tunnel vision, completely ignoring every roommate wanted flier and upcoming event banner in a two-mile radius. But its another thing to just totally miss one of the biggest events to hit FAU.
I assumed that my friend was either an alien in disguise and just flew in from Uranus that morning, or had a severely below average IQ.
But I was shocked when she later chimed into the conversation, "Matthew McConaughey's girlfriend is pregnant- I read it this morning."
So my friend can read, and she's somewhat interested in current events, but didn't even know the presidential debates were coming to FAU. This seems like a common problem with college students, we care more about celebrities than politicians.
THE STATS
1)American Idol gets more people to vote than presidential elections.
2)Perez Hilton claims to get four million hits a day, and he only writes about celebrity gossip. The average college student can tell you the name of all the Spears children, including ones to come, but if you ask them where Barack Obama stands on global warming, you'll get a blank stare.
3)College students are more interested in downloading pictures of Britney Spears flashing her "VaJJ" than taking the time to read a presidential candidate's Web site.
THE PROBLEM
Political candidates and government officials never come down to our level. And by our level, I mean the human level. When Hillary Clinton sheds a tear and Obama dances on Ellen, their approval ratings go through the roof. Its because people feel like they can relate to them. They finally seem human.
THE SOLUTION
Political candidates need to find a way to appeal to us. Maybe they should recruit MTV or Absolut vodka advertising executives, since those people make millions of dollars every year off of our age group.
TOP FIVE QUICK FIXES FOR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES
5) Hillary Clinton should get a DUI and go to rehab, and then people will listen to her.
4)Barack Obama should date Lindsay Lohan and have an illegitimate child, and then we'd listen to him.
3)By all means every political candidate should have a sex tape leaked onto the Internet. If they did that you could guarantee college students worldwide would know who they were voting for.
2)Get into a million dollar custody battle with your ex husband/wife.
1)The ultimate quick fix for every candidate;get a reality TV show. They can call it behind the campaign, everyone would watch. Especially college kids who eat up painfully mindless reality shows.
Maybe it's a bit too risky for Hillary Clinton to be flashing her private parts and for Rudy Giuliani to be suing his baby's mama for custody. But let's face it-these candidates need to do something, there are robots in Disney world that are more lifelike than them.
We devour reality shows and train wreck celebrities because we feel a connection to the people or characters in them. They eat McDonald's, get drunk, and pee in the living room. We can laugh at them because we can relate to them. The Presidential candidates know that they must relate to us, they just don't have any clue how to go about it.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Curiosity Brought us to the Strippers
It was like Disney World for men. Everything was colorful and bright, and it was clean and classy unlike the movies portray them to be. All the heavy rules that society puts on us about our sexuality are completely lifted the second you walk through the door and into to the strip club.
And that's exactly where four girls from FAU ended up on what seemed to be another boring night in Boca.
After a few drinks at Fridays, someone made a risky suggestion to cure our boredom.
"We should go to a strip club."
All of us immediately replied, "Yeah!"
Being strip-club virgins, we were curious about what exactly goes on behind the doors of a Gentlemen’s club. Sure, we’ve all heard the stories and seen the movies about shady strip clubs and all the old gross perverts that hang around them, but we wanted to know what really goes on.
The first task was finding one within a 10-mile radius. But after a few text messages to our male friends, we got flawless directions and a phone number to Cheetah - the place where men can spend a week’s pay in 20 seconds.
Right off the bat we were treated like intruders. The doorman snapped at us. "You can’t enter without a male." Luckily a man entering right behind us claimed he was with us.
You can always count on the kindness of strangers.
A friend later told me that it’s because wives and girlfriends try to sneak in and spy on their husbands and boyfriends.
It’s even better than any rumor, billboard or movie trailer depicts of them. It's a place where everyone can do what they want, say what they want, wear what they want and not be judged - except for us, of course.
We still got crap for being girls in a strip club. Many of the dancers asked us why we were there and gave us an attitude. They kept asking us where the men were. Maybe they were giving us an attitude because we weren't really doing anything, and that means we weren't really spending large amounts of money, either.
A few of the men that came up to us asked if we were bi-sexual. I wasn't quite sure how to explain to people that I'm at a strip club because I was curious about them and just wanted to have fun. The one benefit to hanging out at a strip club is that you don’t have to worry about getting over-aggressive men hitting on you. They’re preoccupied with, you know, other things.
More than that, we wanted to meet these women and talk to them. Some of them were really nice and had other jobs, like working in doctor’s offices, and it felt like we were just chatting it up with a regular college girl... only in less clothes than us.
And that's exactly where four girls from FAU ended up on what seemed to be another boring night in Boca.
After a few drinks at Fridays, someone made a risky suggestion to cure our boredom.
"We should go to a strip club."
All of us immediately replied, "Yeah!"
Being strip-club virgins, we were curious about what exactly goes on behind the doors of a Gentlemen’s club. Sure, we’ve all heard the stories and seen the movies about shady strip clubs and all the old gross perverts that hang around them, but we wanted to know what really goes on.
The first task was finding one within a 10-mile radius. But after a few text messages to our male friends, we got flawless directions and a phone number to Cheetah - the place where men can spend a week’s pay in 20 seconds.
Right off the bat we were treated like intruders. The doorman snapped at us. "You can’t enter without a male." Luckily a man entering right behind us claimed he was with us.
You can always count on the kindness of strangers.
A friend later told me that it’s because wives and girlfriends try to sneak in and spy on their husbands and boyfriends.
It’s even better than any rumor, billboard or movie trailer depicts of them. It's a place where everyone can do what they want, say what they want, wear what they want and not be judged - except for us, of course.
We still got crap for being girls in a strip club. Many of the dancers asked us why we were there and gave us an attitude. They kept asking us where the men were. Maybe they were giving us an attitude because we weren't really doing anything, and that means we weren't really spending large amounts of money, either.
A few of the men that came up to us asked if we were bi-sexual. I wasn't quite sure how to explain to people that I'm at a strip club because I was curious about them and just wanted to have fun. The one benefit to hanging out at a strip club is that you don’t have to worry about getting over-aggressive men hitting on you. They’re preoccupied with, you know, other things.
More than that, we wanted to meet these women and talk to them. Some of them were really nice and had other jobs, like working in doctor’s offices, and it felt like we were just chatting it up with a regular college girl... only in less clothes than us.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Farting Equals Love
A few weeks ago, a friend frantically called me, screaming and crying on the phone. "He did it! He finally did it!" she screamed.
Fearing that my friend had gotten engaged, I calmly asked, "Did what?"
"He finally farted in front of me!"
I reacted the way any other classy college women would have: "Congratulations."
Karen explained that she and Mike were finally at a comfortable point in their relationship. Up until that point, neither one of them would fart in front of the other.
In fact, Mike and Karen had gone almost four months into their relationship without the sweet release of flatulence in the other's presence. To them, it had gotten to the point of being a serious competition - which one would pass gas first. Neither one of them wanted to be the one to present the awkward first fart.
The competition would result in my friend making numerous dashes into another room at random moments and even an incident on I-95 when Mike actually stopped the car to get out and pass gas. Finally, during an episode of I love New York, Mike caved and let one rip, which to Karen was a sign that he really cared about her.
It might sound creepy, but being able to fart in front of a person can be a sign of a really healthy relationship.
Not just farting, but it's all of the little personal habits we usually save for alone time. Like binging on an entire pint of Häagen-Dazs while wearing old sweats and watching re-runs of Saved by the Bell. As Tracy Cox explains here, letting someone into your personal world can bring your relationship to the next level.
When your personal habits become something that you can do in front of your significant other, that’s when you know it's right.
But be aware that there is such a thing as a courting stage when it just isn’t appropriate to let one rip in front of someone. Farting in front of your girlfriend can be a sign of commitment, but farting in front of a girl on a first date can be a sign of bad things to come. If you don't have enough class to show her respect in the beginning, she might not be so willing to keep you around. Maybe that’s the reason why romantic dinners are usually candle-lit... to cover the fumes.
There might not be an exact standard amount of time before it’s socially acceptable to pass gas in front of your sweetie. You just have to feel it out for yourself (no pun intended).
For me, it was a pretty simple test. An accidental fart made me realize that I had found the one. It was only our second date, so when the urge to let one rip came over me, I thought it was best to hold it in. But my strategy completely back-fired (again, no pun intended) and in my efforts to clinch, my body ended up letting out a high pitched "biiiinnngggggg!!"
He started to laugh, and now over two years later we're still happy. For us, two days was enough time. For others, it could take anywhere from three weeks to five months. Either way, it’s not really a healthy relationship until you can comfortably pass gas. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is hiding bodily functions, imagine what else they could be hiding.
Fearing that my friend had gotten engaged, I calmly asked, "Did what?"
"He finally farted in front of me!"
I reacted the way any other classy college women would have: "Congratulations."
Karen explained that she and Mike were finally at a comfortable point in their relationship. Up until that point, neither one of them would fart in front of the other.
In fact, Mike and Karen had gone almost four months into their relationship without the sweet release of flatulence in the other's presence. To them, it had gotten to the point of being a serious competition - which one would pass gas first. Neither one of them wanted to be the one to present the awkward first fart.
The competition would result in my friend making numerous dashes into another room at random moments and even an incident on I-95 when Mike actually stopped the car to get out and pass gas. Finally, during an episode of I love New York, Mike caved and let one rip, which to Karen was a sign that he really cared about her.
It might sound creepy, but being able to fart in front of a person can be a sign of a really healthy relationship.
Not just farting, but it's all of the little personal habits we usually save for alone time. Like binging on an entire pint of Häagen-Dazs while wearing old sweats and watching re-runs of Saved by the Bell. As Tracy Cox explains here, letting someone into your personal world can bring your relationship to the next level.
When your personal habits become something that you can do in front of your significant other, that’s when you know it's right.
But be aware that there is such a thing as a courting stage when it just isn’t appropriate to let one rip in front of someone. Farting in front of your girlfriend can be a sign of commitment, but farting in front of a girl on a first date can be a sign of bad things to come. If you don't have enough class to show her respect in the beginning, she might not be so willing to keep you around. Maybe that’s the reason why romantic dinners are usually candle-lit... to cover the fumes.
There might not be an exact standard amount of time before it’s socially acceptable to pass gas in front of your sweetie. You just have to feel it out for yourself (no pun intended).
For me, it was a pretty simple test. An accidental fart made me realize that I had found the one. It was only our second date, so when the urge to let one rip came over me, I thought it was best to hold it in. But my strategy completely back-fired (again, no pun intended) and in my efforts to clinch, my body ended up letting out a high pitched "biiiinnngggggg!!"
He started to laugh, and now over two years later we're still happy. For us, two days was enough time. For others, it could take anywhere from three weeks to five months. Either way, it’s not really a healthy relationship until you can comfortably pass gas. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is hiding bodily functions, imagine what else they could be hiding.
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